Since I am becoming well on my way to alcoholism, I thought I might share some essential tips when it comes to alcohol consumption, or as I call it, excessive drinking.
Don't bother with fake eyelashes - Girls, not only are these a pain in the ass to put on, but it's guaranteed that at some point during the night you will be left with one hanging off your face, causing people to wonder if you suffer from eyelash alopecia.
Don't wear stupid shoes. - Ladies, Think carefully about footwear. Now I'm certainly not saying wear something sensible but I am advising that you check out the grip. I for one have had numerous tumbles when out drinking (which was all down to the footwear of course and nothing to do with the 8 vodkas.) It is not a good look, and quite frankly, it hurts.
If you're going to wear the 6 inch stilettos you can barely walk in then just bare in mind the possibility that you may break your ankle/s.
Don't apply fake tan in a rush. - If you are going to tan yourself, then at least make sure you take the time to do it properly. If I had a pound for every girl I saw with streaky legs and orange ankles tottering down the road, I would be a very rich woman.
Don't drunk dial. - If you can cope with leaving your phone at home, do it. Everyone has made the mistake of having one too many and texting before thinking. (Haven't they?!) It might seem like a completely logical idea at the time, but reading through sent messages in the morning is not fun.
Don't drink on a school night. - It's a good idea at the time, but come 7am the next morning when your alarm is screeching out that dreaded sound of WAKE UP, you realise why going out til 3am wasn't as great an idea as you once thought...
Don't order half the kebab shop. - Everyone knows that after a session on the town, a trip to the local California Chicken on route home is essential. But just try to refrain from shovelling food in your gob like there's no tomorrow. There is a tomorrow, and the more you eat now the worse you'll feel for it!
Don't mix your drinks. - Probably an obvious statement, but it doesn't stop us from doing it!
Don't drink dark drinks. - The darker the alcohol, the worse the hangover. Dark rums, whisky etc, have more chemicals in than clear spirits (vodka, gin etc) meaning that the more of these you drink, the more you'll pay for it in the morning!
Don't piss in public! - Guys are the worst for this. While I'm all in favour of a crafty wee behind a bush or down an alleyway, (I say in favour - I was desperate!) do not assume that just because you are drunk it is acceptable to urinate wherever you so wish.
Example: Pissing next to a cash point isn't cool... especially when there is a queue. I do not want to witness this again. Find somewhere private!
Don't dance like a moron. - This is one thing that I am personally quite prone to do. Now while I don't particularly care about what people might think of me, friends might. If they look shocked and appalled at your moon walking and dad dancing around the bar then stop immediately. If, however they find it amusing, by all means continue. You look cool.
Don't fight. - One of my pet hates is people that can’t handle their booze. If you get temper-mental when you drink, then don't drink! You look like a dick, and street fighting is not impressive.
Don't loose your decency. - Now while it might be too late for me, you still have time! If you are a female, remember it! Refrain from shouting and screaming while walking down the road barefoot spilling kebab down the front of your dress. Be a lady, not a tramp.
I hope that these pointless yet amusing points are of benefit to someone... or at least managed to successfully waste the 10 minutes you were hoping to.
Happy Friday! :)
For tips on getting ready to go out, i'd recommend this video...
